tangyabominy: (Default)
[personal profile] tangyabominy
I sometimes feel like, explaining to people why I feel a pull to the whole otherkin concept, they'd think I'm going about it the wrong way. I feel strongly connected to the concept, to the idea of not being human, but I don't know what I would be - and putting it like that is enough to make people think, oh, you just don't want to be human, you're doing this for angsty self-loathing reasons.

But it's not quite like that, either. I know what the angsty "I don't wanna be human, waah waaah" head-chant feels like - I've had that at times in my life, too - and it's a layer on top of this concept, a superficial skin. It's an isolated thing, an intellectual complaining, and it doesn't explain the deep-down gut feeling that keeps drawing me back to the concept, and always has, ever since I discovered it. It's not, really, about feeling that human is "wrong"; I don't even feel that so much, any more. It is a positive, a sensation of feeling that "other" is right. It's just a positive that has no distinct anchor, no distinct form, other than to note that I'm pulled to the concept itself. That tingle of rightness that, perhaps, some of you feel when encountering pictures of dragons or angels, I felt on first encountering otherkin sites, and still do.

This sounds bad, but I've always been compelled by people's stories of longing for change in their bodies - whether those were people's accounts of being transgender, or of having BIID, or what-have-you. Something about the concept speaks to me, internally, makes me feel kinship. I don't even feel like bodily transformation is even, necessarily, what I'm searching for myself when I look at these stories, although I sure wouldn't pass on a dragon form (and perhaps that says more about me than I know). I'm not so connected to my body that I care as much as others might. I can't even describe what it is, really. When I try to analyse it, I fall flat. When I ask myself, "what's really making me feel this way, in stories about otherkin?", it's like looking at a story about someone going to the grocery store and trying to find the deeper meaning: the story is the meaning, and when I try to peer deeper within it, there's nothing there.

I just know that from the moment I came across the concept, it was real to me, and I sympathised, and couldn't stop wanting to drink in the words of those who believed themselves to be Other; and I still can't. It sounds voyeuristic, and it's really not meant that way; it's a feeling of having found home, but I don't have any words to explain what's homelike about it, unlike other people in the community. It's not that I feel my connection is less real, but like the words for why have been stripped out of my mouth.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-08-23 02:43 am (UTC)
From: [personal profile] lhexa
There is a certain scenario that obsesses me at times. I will phrase it in starkly fantastic terms, because I think that makes its structure clearest. A certain person feels the yearning like the one you describe, and for most of his life there is no definite way to act on it. It enriches his life, centers his identity, but while he yearns for something other a path never opens to something other. Then, one moment, he somehow becomes a lynchpin or critical point of his world, and though the option to leave his world still doesn't appear, another option does. He says to his world, "You know, you are beautiful enough, wonderful enough, good enough for what you are. But I have always wanted something more beautiful and more wonderful than you. This desire is the core of who I am. And now, I may either keep you and try to improve you, or I may end you and see if I can do better. I see no reason to keep you." The yearning which would lead one to leave his world to find another may be a yearning that would lead him to kill his world to create another. But who would ever be in a position to kill a world?

Er, give me a few sentences to shake myself out of a maudlin state. I should provide some explanation. When I first came across the Otherkin community, through Baxil at first, I had more or less your response, but I more foolishly pinned it to draconity specifically, and formed a concept of draconity which said that it could not be real if it was chosen, willful. And I eventually did discover it to be willful. While I didn't take long afterward to settle on a couple of other forms, and while I eventually developed the wiser idea that such a form can perfectly well be an aspiration even if it originates from within humanity, I'm still a resolute ex-dragon. It is a form I won't let myself return to, because it embodies the sort of arrogance outlined in the scenario above; or rather, it would embody that arrogance in me.

There was a shift in my sense of wonder consonant with that change of identity: a yearning still remains, and there are still various things and people which evoke it to various degrees, but the yearning no longer describes itself as directed at something other. It is now a yearning whose object certain creatures at hand, foxes and fishers, can embody. That being said, Baxil, Dw, Sett and Kaijima can no longer evoke this feeling, though they were among the ones who originally set it in motion. That's why I'm rather surprised to find that your entries on draconity bring that same feeling I had when I first stumbled on the Draconity FAQ... maybe your relative abstraction or non-specificity does the trick, or maybe I've just been away from Otherkin thought long enough for it to have developed new currents. I think it's promising that I can find something of the original tracks in something of the original terrain, and I'll make efforts to leave responses to your entries in those passing moments when I am able.

There is a sort of dread that accompanies this reminded curiosity, though. When people ask me nowadays what I am, I say, "A fox or fisher, depending on mood." This is true, but what I don't usually have a reason to say is that, once in a rare while, I still have draconic moods, in which I want to seize the world that I love by the teeth. They may be evil moods. Nonetheless, even if I am somewhat determined not to be a dragon, I would still like to think that I have not lost the ability to talk to dragons.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-03-30 09:01 am (UTC)
From: [personal profile] lhexa
I can't vouch for others, but there wasn't much of angst in my coming to think of draconity. But for whatever reason, in identities concerning some kind of otherness, outsiders focus on such expressions of angst. I don't have a good idea why.

Eh, I'm about at the end of this peculiar and rare mood in which I feel up to replying to you. Hopefully I won't wake up tomorrow feeling like I've said something objectionable. :P Thanks for these entries, anyhow.

July 2011

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